Trying to use a SQL function in MySQL

I'm trying to use this script (which extracts the domain from a URL):

CREATE FUNCTION [dbo].[parseURL]  (@strURL varchar(1000))
RETURNS varchar(1000)
AS
BEGIN
IF CHARINDEX('http://',@strURL) > 0 OR CHARINDEX('https://',@strURL) > 0
SELECT @strURL = REPLACE(@strURL,'https://','')
SELECT @strURL = REPLACE(@strURL,'http://','')
SELECT @strURL = REPLACE(@strURL,'www',''开发者_如何学编程)
-- Remove everything after "/" if one exists
IF CHARINDEX('/',@strURL) > 0 (SELECT @strURL = LEFT(@strURL,CHARINDEX('/',@strURL)-1))    
RETURN @strURL
END

Using this SQL command:

SELECT COUNT(*) as theCount, dbo.parseURL(url) as url FROM hit
WHERE url IS NOT NULL
GROUP BY dbo.parsedomain(url)
ORDER BY thecount DESC

But I'm receiving this error:

#1064 - You have an error in your SQL syntax; check the manual that corresponds to your MySQL server version for the right syntax to use near '[dbo].[parseURL] (@strURL varchar(1000)) RETURNS varchar(1000) AS BEGIN IF ' at line 1

I am relatively new to both SQL and MySQL, so not sure if the error is SQL-general or MySQL-specific. What am I missing?

---

Jesus Christ Ponies, effort wasted, but here it is:

DELIMITER |
CREATE FUNCTION DOMAIN (url VARCHAR(255)) 
 RETURNS VARCHAR(255) DETERMINISTIC
  BEGIN
   DECLARE pos INT;
    SET pos := LOCATE('://', url);
    SET url := CASE WHEN pos=0 THEN url ELSE SUBSTR(url, pos+3) END;
    SET url := REPLACE(url,'www.',''); 
    RETURN SUBSTRING_INDEX(url, '/', 1);
   END

Then query:

  SELECT COUNT(*) as theCount,    
         DOMAIN(url) as url    
    FROM hit   
   WHERE url IS NOT NULL   
GROUP BY url   
ORDER BY thecount DESC  

My function has the advantage of stripping any protocol, https, http, ftp, whatever

---

Here's the equivalent MySQL function:

DELIMITER $$

CREATE FUNCTION parseURL(strURL VARCHAR(200)) 
  RETURNS varchar(200) 
BEGIN

  IF INSTR(strURL, 'http://') > 0 OR INSTR(strURL, 'https://') > 0 THEN
    SET strURL = REPLACE(strURL,'https://','');
    SET strURL = REPLACE(strURL,'http://','');
    SET strURL = REPLACE(strURL,'www','');
    -- Remove everything after "/" if one exists
    IF INSTR(strURL, '/') > 0 THEN 
     SET strURL = LEFT(strURL, INSTR(strURL, '/')-1);
   END IF;
  END IF;

  RETURN strURL;
END

Use this query:

  SELECT COUNT(*) as theCount, 
         parseURL(url) as url 
    FROM hit
   WHERE url IS NOT NULL
GROUP BY parseURL(url)
ORDER BY thecount DESC